Friday the 13th Edition; 13 Disgusting Things Moms Endure For Their Baby

TGIF the 13th. Every Friday the 13th is a great day for me, as was today! I was thinking earlier about how much I love my life and all the happiness I’m blessed with that fills my heart each day. Specifically today, I was thinking of motherhood. And how motherhood is always with me… usually in the form of something kind of gross on a piece of my clothing. Then I remembered they joys of motherhood, also known as some pretty unpleasant and nasty things that go along with your child. *Shivers*

I know it sounds awful to call your beautiful and loved baby disgusting or think of them as icky.. but come on think about it.. they’re essentially a tiny drunk little human – someone totally incapable of caring for themselves so you have to meet their every need.

Motherhood is great. Motherhood is disgusting. Don’t believe me? I thought maybe I was being over dramatic but then I created a list in my head so here I present to you 13 experiences (in honor of my favorite day(s) Friday the 13) that prove motherhood isn’t always so delightful.

1. Milking their eye. Recently my daughters eye has been watery almost constantly and gooky almost half of the time. I knew it wasn’t pink eye because well frankly it wasn’t pink and she wasn’t trying to rub or itch it. After a few days I went to the pediatrician to get her opinion, and as I thought based on research, my daughters tear duct is undeveloped so essentially the gook that’s coming out is literally boogers. It’ll go away naturally within weeks or months or even up to a year but in the mean time there’s a way to “help” it. Milking her eye. What you do is take your finger and press upwards towards the eye until you reach the corner. It massages the nasal cavity and clears the airway, literally. Come to find out the gook in her eye is in fact boogers…. So yesterday when I “milked” her nasal cavity a giant boogie shot out of the corner of her eye and hit my face. Pleasant I know.
2. Boogers. The suction cup device they use at the hospital / the recommend once you’re home is a joke. Not to mention an incubator of mold. Have you ever cut one of those things open? Yuck. Last week my daughter was so stuffy (how I discovered the undeveloped tear duct) and I felt terrible. I myself suffer from a deviated septum and the worst allergies so I needed to help her as best as I could. I’d do anything for that girl. I have a NoseFrida (WHICH IS AMAZING BY THE WAY!!) which gets 90% of boogers. A Q-tip didn’t work..too big. My finger didn’t work.. too big. So for some reason I thought of an alternative.. my mouth. Yup. I put my entire mouth over her button nose and sucked up her boogies. Clear nose for her and booger filled nose for me.
3. Pee. All the pee. In the diaper. Through the diaper. On you. Self explanatory.
4. Poop. Putting aside the first poop which is black as tar…poop is everywhere always. Actually not always but a good amount of the time, especially after a three day constipation period. It literally looks like a full blown human made a poop in that size one diaper. When they do have blowouts… that poop gets up their back, up their stomach, on their face, all over you, all over the changing pad. It’s beautiful. Not. Its smelly, uncomfortable, but worth it. They’re babies they can’t help it.
5. Formula Burps. There’s no way to describe the stench unless you lived them. They’re smelly and gross but honestly I love them. It’s sick but I don’t care. Burping after feedings are good! And warranted. They help assure you you’re child is healthy and digesting the way they should be. Yay!
6. Throw up. Ugh vile. You think the formula burps are bad, multiply that by 50..maybe more, and you get stuck with formula aftermath, baby vomit. One themselves, on you, on their clothes, on your clothes, it’s just so yucky.
7. Sneezes. At least twice a day I get sneezed on. Oh well.
8. Farts. You think a baby fart would be cute. You’d think a baby fart would be quiet…containing no scent. HAHAHAHA WRONG. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just my child, but that girl passes gas like an old man. And then she sharts. It’s good for some laughs but it’s so gross and smelly. My four month old might be 44 years old.
9. Abortive Hemangioma: Aka strawberries.Abortive Hemangioma is a “birthmark” which will grow with my daughter on her wrist/forearm until around the age of five. Abortive meaning minor, thank goodness. It’s a red mark where her capillary veins come to the surface and find a home on the top of her skin. The mark itself makes her unique, and even though this is my mindset the look of it is a little unsettling from time to time, especially when you touch it and it feels like her arm is literally on freaking fire. It’s so hot. Like I said it makes her unique but when I really look at it, I feel so bad but it makes me feel skeeved out.
10. Scabs from birth. I know that spending some time in the birth canal before birth it can allow for scabs from trauma but in my case I was internally monitored whilst in labor. They hooked multiple monitors through my vagina into my babies head. Literally screwed them into her. Four months go by and her scab finally “fell off.” I may have picked it but the doctor ok’d it at this point, I swear it was ready. I couldn’t look at it any longer.
11. Stinky fingers. No matter what the time of year, when you have a new born you keep their hands covered so their hands stay warm and they cant scratch themselves with their jagged fingernails. As logical as this is… I always forget about the sweat that builds up. SWEAT STINKS. Therefore your babies hand reek. No amount of fresh air or hand sanitizer does the trick so bath time it is!
12. Belly button. I am a freak when it comes to belly buttons. I don’t like them. I don’t even know why. Maybe we can blame Kyle XY? Maybe not I don’t know. But when you’re baby is first born and you have to handle their healing belly button it’s kind of unsettling. I obviously know it’s normal but crap it’s weird. Even now, four months after she’s born her belly button today was dry and I was weirded out of the fact that I had to put lotion in it to keep it moisturized and healthy.
13. Blood in poop. Hemorrhoids. Baby’s get them too although they’re called fissure’s which essentially are painful hemorrhoids inside of their tushy. Ouch. I’m a worry wart and I panic a lot when something isn’t right but I try to take a step back when it comes to my child. When my child was maybe not even a month old she did a number two and her poop was full of mucus blood. Come to find out it was normal but scary and disgusting nonetheless.

Whether you have the stomach for it or not, parenting undeniable makes your stomach stronger. Motherhood is lovely as shit but like I said, disgusting at the same time. You love your little one but it’s totally natural if you look at your baby and think “I love you but Goddamn you’re gross.”

ABC’s of Motherhood

A- Adjustment. Motherhood is one hell of an adjustment to say the least. You can be as prepared as one is able to be and you still aren’t prepared. Even if their were an instruction manual, there’d be a new edition everyday. You come home with your baby and BOOM there’s a whole entire extra person living in your house. A person who disrupts your beloved sleep, routine with friends, etc. It’s all a learning curve when you’ve got a tiny human who is 100% dependent on you. But it’s all worth it!

B- BabyBrezza. A MUST HAVE if you’re going to formula feed your baby. A life saver in a box. It’s a dispenser that holds water in a tank, formula on the top and mixes your bottles to a ready to feed temperature within seconds just by the push of a button.

C- Crying. There will be lots of crying, mostly from you. Talk about a whirlwind of hormones and emotions, ain’t nothing like it until after you’ve had a baby. Bearing a child turns you into a sap so maybe you’re just sitting there watching your child sleep, crying because they’re so beautiful. Bearing a child also confuses the heck out of your ability to think rationally so the simplest thing can set you off into a fit of frustration… which also leads to crying. It’s all natural. Right?

D- Dysfunction. I plan to give my daughter just enough dysfunction to make her funny.

E- Evenings out. It is so beyond important to have date nights with your hubby or wife. To reconnect and get back to why you even made a baby in the first place, it’s a beautiful thing and always more needed than realized.

F- Friends. Not saying you have to have oodles of friends but you need to get yourself at least one good mommy friend. It makes your journey so much more enjoyable I swear.

G- Gross. Your body does some gross things after birth. Embrace it.

H- Hair Loss. Postpartum hair loss is hella sexy. Enough said.

I- Isolation. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t isolate your thoughts, fears, and even hopes. Speak your mind and ask for help if you need it. You’ll be glad you did.

J- Jammies. It’s perfectly fine if you and your kid(s) stay in their pajamas all day. It happens!

K- Keep it together. Keep a schedule, keep a budget, keep up with house cleaning. Stay organized! It’s key to so much success.

L- Love. Does this one really need explaining?

M- Mom shaming. JUST DON’T DO IT.

N- No. It’s going to be a word they’re going to need to hear. You’re the boss not them!

O- Opinions. Everyone is going to have them, even when you don’t ask. Just remember you are living your best life for you and your family and unless your child is a rude ass wild child or in danger, just let their comments go right over your head. Screw the know it alls.

P- Poop. So much poop. So many blowouts. It’d be so much easier if sometimes we could just hose them off. Am I right?

Q- Quietness. You don’t always have to be quiet. I assure you they can sleep through anything. Hell I vacuum under my daughter when she’s in her swing.

R- Relax. Don’t be so uptight. I know it’s hard especially right after having the baby because your emotions are so through the roof like I said before but take a deep breath and get some anxiety medication if you need to! It’s ok to balance yourself out and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

S- Significant other. Be a supreme team. For yourselves, for your kids.

T- Trust. I know it may be hard but you need to trust other people with your kids. Whether it’s your mom, your best friend, your sister-in-law, you need time away from your baby. It’s good for them and it’s good for you.

U- Ups & downs. As it goes with anything there will be ups and there will be downs. There will be days where you feel like a supermom and there will probably be days when you feel like the worst mother on the planet. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can.

V- Videos. It’s so important to take all the photos that you can of your baby but don’t forget to take videos as well! For years to come you’ll want to physically remember their adorable little coo’s and their delicate little moves.

W- Watch your mouth. I’m honestly kind of afraid my baby’s first word might be fuck.

X- Xplanation. Ok obviously that’s supposed to read explanation. Cut me a break.. how many words in the everyday language actually begin with the letter “x”. Never feel the need to explain yourself. No explanation needed. See what I did there?

Y- Youth. Never forget, age doesn’t really matter. You’re only as young as you feel and my moms infamous saying as I grew up was “the kids get older but we don’t.”

Z- Zone in on yourself.  Face it you’re a mom now and your world revolves around your child / family and that’s amazing but don’t forget you need time for yourself as well. It’s the only thing to keep you sane.